If you have reached the point at which you truly believe that there is little hope that a fractured friendship
or ruptured romance can be repaired, it is important to maintain your
resolve and terminate the relationship for good. This isn't easy, so be
sure to have some compassion for yourself in the process.
Bear in mind that ending a friendship that no longer works can be just as difficult and painful as ending a romantic relationship that has failed.
It may help to remind yourself that while there may be aspects of the
relationship you find yourself missing, toxic relationships can only
be sustained for a limited amount of time before they take a significant
toll on the mental and emotional well-being of one or both parties
involved.
There are five points about ending even toxic relationships that
research has revealed that can be considered to be “Truths about (even
necessary) Relationship Break-Ups.”
1. Breaking up a toxic relationship is not always easy to do.
2. It can hurt when the relationship is ended. It can hurt a lot.
3. Mutual friends may be lost in the break-up.
4. You may be lonely for a while once a toxic, but familiar, relationship has ended.
5. As time passes, it will get easier and life will be better.
To help make the break-up outcome as clean as possible, you may want
to follow the following seven suggestions when letting go of the
relationship:
1. Do not let toxic relationships go on for too long.
2. Weigh your words carefully.
3. If it is likely that you will still run into an ex-friend/partner
in the neighborhood, at work, on campus, or at the gym, make sure that
you end the relationship on as positive a note as possible.
4. Technology issues may need consideration – unfriending, blocking email or Twitter accounts, etc. may need to be handled.
5. Make the break-up about you and your needs, not the ex and their wrongs.
6. Acknowledge the benefits that the relationship has offered over
time and express appreciation for the positive role the friend or
partner has played in your life in the past.
7. Do not allow yourself to dwell on negative thoughts about revenge or punishment of the former friend/partner.
Researchers have found that “revenge fantasies”
do more harm than good for the wounded. By obsessing on the negative
and painful aspects of a past relationship, you keep yourself from
letting it go and moving ahead!
Humans are born to seek social connection and belonging, so it is
only natural to have a significant emotional reaction to the loss of a
significant relationships! Let these losses be lessons and take from
them the wisdom
necessary to ensure that your next relationship is more satisfying and
rewarding. There’s enough pain in the world without inflicting it upon
ourselves – let go of old hurts and move forward ready to make better
choices and stronger connections.
10 Tips to Survive a Break-up
(10 ways to gently leave your lover)
Song writer Neil Sedaka may have said it best, "Down shoubby do,
down, down, breaking up is hard to do." Here are ten tips to help you
deal with the turmoil and pain of ending a relationship. My wish for you
is that you never have to use them.
1. Cry all you want. Let the tears flow, it's healthy you are releasing grief and pain. You may be afraid to start because you're fearful you'll never stop, but you will.
2. Do something everyday to help yourself heal. Exercise, read, watch some self-help TV/DVD's, learn to meditate
and never underestimate the power of positive prayer. Pick things that
you know will be fun or beneficial and do them. Don't wait for the mood
to come over you, take one action and then take another.
3. Find emotional support. There are numerous groups for the newly single (more for women than for men). If you want therapy, go to www.therapistfinder.com (link is external) to find a licensed marriage
and family therapist in your area. Just don't try to tough it out or go
it alone, support from others is healing, even if those people never
become close friends.
4. Don't be a doormat. If your soon-to-be-ex continues to call you or
simply won't go away (or move out) tell them you can't heal with them
around and ask them to keep their distance. If they are harassing or
threatening you it is best to call law enforcement for information and
advice.
5. Keep busy. If you wake up early take a walk, go out to breakfast
or do something around the house. Try a little "retail therapy" (go
shopping) or enjoy the decadence of going to a movie in the middle of
the day. Many businesses allow their staff to take "mental health days" if needed. If you can't sleep
do the crossword puzzle, read or watch TV. Don't sit in your room and
ruminate, you have to free your mind so your heart can heal.
6. Don't try to mask your pain by trying to find a replacement. We
all know the term "rebound relationship" these happen when we
(unconsciously) use another person to fill the gap that's been created
by the ending of a relationship. These transitional connections can feel
healing in the short term, but if you don't process your pain
appropriately you will not be able to be in a fully committed
partnership.
7. Don't spend too much time alone. Hang out with friends or make new
ones, go to coffee with someone you can talk to, volunteer in your
community. You will need time alone, but if you isolate yourself you
won't be able to fully process your feelings or get the support you need
to heal.
8. Trust your feelings. Even if you were taken by surprise by the
breakup, your inner voice is telling you something. Listen carefully and
you will hear that it will all be OK. You just have to let your
feelings guide you.
9. Take your time. Don't rush out and buy a new car or move to a new
home or another town. Major changes like those are merely a way of
avoiding your feelings. Believe that with a little time, patience and
support you will feel better and find love again.
10. Research. Find out what others, who have not just survived but
thrived after their relationships ended did to achieve peace of mind.
There are some great books on surviving a breakup, my favorite is "How
to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Peter McWilliams. This little gem will
give you insight, exercises and some sage advice for dealing with this
heart wrenching issue.
Trust that you were not put here to suffer and that your live will
not just be OK, it will be wonderful. Love will come again and next
time, if you have truly processed your feelings, it will be much better.
Having to work through some alone time doesn't need to be totally
painful. Remember that even though change is mandatory, suffering is
optional.
10 Relationship Tips Everyone Forgets
“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.”
―Elizabeth Gilbert
Several years ago, on their 50th anniversary, my 87-year-old
grandfather looked at my 84-year-old grandmother and said, “This right
here, our relationship, this is my greatest accomplishment.”
My grandfather’s words have always remained with me. They were
beautifully romantic, but more importantly, they were delightfully
true. Healthy relationships are accomplishments. They take commitment
and work, and two people who are willing to meet in the middle and put
in the necessary effort.
If you’re in a relationship, intimate or platonic, that could use a little help, the tips below will come in handy…
1. Let go of old wounds through forgiveness.
Every moment of your life you are either growing or dying – and when
you are physically healthy, it’s a choice, not fate. The art of
maintaining happiness in your life and relationships relies on the fine
balancing act of holding on and letting go. Yes, sometimes people you
trust (including yourself) will hurt you. Being hurt is something you
can’t avoid, but being continuously miserable is always a choice.
Forgiveness is the remedy. You have to let go of what’s behind you
before you can grasp the goodness in front of you.
2. Come clean when you make a mistake.
An honest heart is the beginning of everything that is right with
this world. The most honorable people of all are not those who never
make mistakes, but those who admit to them when they do, and then go on
and do their best to right the wrongs they’ve made. In the end, being
honest might not always win you a lot of friends and lovers, but it will always keep the right ones in your life. (Angel and I discuss this process in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
3. Stop gossiping and start communicating.
A good rule of thumb: If you can’t say it to their face, you
shouldn’t say it behind their back. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said,
“Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small
minds discuss people.” Life is much too short to waste talking about
people, gossiping, and stirring up trouble that has no substance. If
you don’t know, ask. If you don’t agree, say so. If you don’t like it,
speak up. But never judge people behind their back.
4. Give others the space to make their own decisions.
Stop judging others by your own past. Never act, judge, or treat people like you know them better than they know themselves. They are living a different life than you are.
What might be good for one person may not be good for another. What
might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the
better. Allow the people in your life to make their own mistakes and
their own decisions.
5. Do things that make YOU happy.
If you want to awaken happiness in a relationship, start by living a
life that makes you happy and then radiate your happiness into your
relationship. If you want to eliminate suffering in a relationship,
start by eliminating the dark and negative parts of yourself, and then
radiate your positivity into your relationship. Truly, the greatest
power you have in this world is the power of your own
self-transformation. All the positive change you seek in any
relationship starts with the one in the mirror. (Read The Four Agreements.)
6. Show your loved ones your kindness in small ways every day.
Aesop once said, “No act of kindness, however small, is ever
wasted.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. Always be kinder than
necessary. You never know what someone is going through. Sometimes you
have to be kind to someone, not because they’re being nice, but because
you are. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a
kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of
caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
7. Say less when less means more.
It takes some courage to stand up and speak; it takes even more
courage to open your mind and listen. Pay attention and be a good
listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble. The people in your
life often need a listening ear more than they need a rambling voice.
And don’t listen with the intent to reply; hear what is being said with
the intent to understand. You are as beautiful as the love you give, and you are as wise as the silence you leave behind.
8. Let your love and trust overpower your fear.
You never lose by loving; you lose by holding back. No relationship
is impossible until you refuse to give it a chance. Love means giving
someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to. Without this
trust, a relationship cannot survive. You cannot just believe what you
fear from others; you have to believe in the good faith of others. If
you are ever going to have someone trust you, you must feel that you can
trust them too.
9. Accept, don’t expect.
Unconditional acceptance is something we want, but rarely ever give
out. Remember, people never do anything that is out of character. They
may do things that go against your expectations, but what people do
reveals exactly who they are. Never force your expectations on people,
other than the expectation that they will be exactly who they are. Who
they are is not what they say or what you have come to expect, it is who
they reveal themselves to be. Either you accept them as they are, or
you move on without them. (Read Getting the Love You Want.)
10. Let the wrong ones go.
Know your worth! When you give your time to someone who doesn’t
respect you, you surrender pieces of your heart you will never get
back. All failed relationships hurt, but losing someone who doesn’t
appreciate and respect you is actually a gain, not a loss. Some people
come into your life temporarily simply to teach you something. They
come and they go and they make a difference. It’s perfectly okay that
they’re not in your life anymore. You now have more time to focus on
the relationships that truly matter.
Afterthoughts
Remember, even the healthiest relationships have small flaws. Being
too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship
spells trouble. Accept the fact that there will always be difficulties
present, but you can still focus on the good. Instead of constantly
looking for signs of what’s not working in your relationship, what you
need to do is look for signs of what is, and then use this as a solid
foundation to build upon.
Your turn…
Which of these relationship tips do you sometimes struggle with?
What else would you add to the list? Please leave us a comment below
and share your thoughts.
The 10 Best Pieces Of Advice For Making A Fresh Start
Life is full of new beginnings. Here's some valuable advice to help you along the way.
By Alexandra Rubio
I’m
reminded of the great advice I’ve heard over the years. One of the perks
of being a writer is that you get to interview a lot of experts. Since I
write about time management, productivity, and leadership, I hear
plenty of tips and new ways of thinking aimed at getting more out of
life. Here are 10 of my favorite words of advice for starting anew:
1. Try new things
Says Fred Cook, CEO of GolinHarris and author of Improvise: Unconventional Career Advice From an Unlikely CEO.
"They’ve attended the same schools, read the same books, gone to the
same movies, played the same video games, and watched the same TV
shows," he says. "What they don’t have is life experience, ideas of
their own or world views. Those are the things that elevate your
career."
Try new foods. Check out the latest museum exhibits. Read books that
are outside your area of expertise. And don’t be afraid to take bigger
risks, such as moving across the country. It’s the life experiences that
broaden your perspective.
"Those who have a growth mindset, however, think failure is a roadmap
for what not to do next time," she says. From minor slip-ups to epic
fails, all of us will falter at some time in life; to be successful, you
have to have a certain amount of blindness to the risk."
3. Talk to strangers
The majority of your future successes are waiting outside your immediate network, says Judy Robinett, author of How to Be a Power Connector. "It’s where the gold is," she says. But most of us just talk to strangers 2% to 3% of the time.
Open yourself to new opportunities by looking approachable. Assume
the other person is shy and say hello. Then find common ground on which
to start a conversation. If there is something of interest, don’t be
afraid to ask for the person’s contact information and then follow up.
"You don’t have to be an extrovert to talk to a stranger," says
Robinett. "We’re all so worried what other people might think about us.
The truth is that no one cares because they’re worried about
themselves."
4. Be willing to change
To stay relevant as you move forward in life, you have to be willing to embrace change, says Jason Jennings, author of The Reinventors.
"Acknowledge that what got you where you are today isn’t going to get
you where you want to go tomorrow," says Jennings, who cites Borders as
an example of what can happen if you don’t let go. "They refused to
change and held onto what had made them money in the past, and it proved
fatal."
Businesses have mission statements, and people should have one, too, says William Arruda, author of Ditch, Dare, Do: 3D Personal Branding for Executives. A mission sums up who you are and what you stand for; it brings focus and purpose to your life.
Arruda offers this template for writing one: The value you create +
who you’re creating it for + the expected outcome. For example: I use my
passion for words to inspire readers to think in new ways.
"A personal mission statement is a powerful tool because it provides
you with a path for success, and it gives you permission to say ‘no’ to
the things that are distractions," Arruda says.
6. Don’t try to fit in
Too often, we try to fit in
with our environment because we think it will help us move forward, but
the person who embraces their differences stands out, says Sally
Hogshead, author of How the World Sees You: Discover Your Highest Value Through the Science of Fascination.
"Once you identify what makes you different, concentrate on it," she
says. "To be successful, you don’t have to change who you are; you have
to become more of who you are."
7. Don’t confuse having an opinion with having a thought
Assessing a situation can get in the way of learning, says Chris Majer, author of The Power to Transform. And having an opinion is not the same as a thought.
"Thinking is the process of generating an original idea or
distinction," he says. "It requires energy and attention; having an
opinion requires neither. Instead of deciding whether or not you like
the idea, ask yourself, ‘Where’s the power in this for me?’"
8. Don’t get hung up on perfect
Parents and teachers encourage us to take time to do our best, but sometimes it’s not practical, says Jeremy Eden, coauthor of Low-Hanging Fruit: 77 Eye-Opening Ways to Improve Productivity and Profits.
"Excelling sounds like a good thing," he says "But if you use this
mindset in everything you do, you’re spending a huge amount of time on
things that aren’t important."
Instead, identify the things that are worth "gold plating," and then adopt a policy where good is good enough.
9. Be selfish
To be a healthy, grounded person, you need to be selfish and take care of your own needs, says Bob Rosen, author of Grounded: How Leaders Stay Rooted in an Uncertain World.
People who are self-focused but not self-involved are healthier,
happier, have better relationships, and have better leadership skills.
"Our theory of human development is based on a model that you’re
either selfish or you’re community oriented," says Rosen. "The truth is
that you need to be both. It’s not an either-or."
10. Don't worry about the big picture—celebrate every milestone
Finally, the road ahead can feel long and overwhelming. To alleviate
some of the stress, focus on milestones, says Jones Loflin, coauthor of Getting to It. Milestones are everywhere: the first semester, the first week of a new job, the first client.
Loflin shared the story of a friend who started running: "Instead of
focusing on miles, he worked on running from utility pole to utility
pole," he says. "It made the process feel much more doable. Concentrate
on staying focused for an hour or for a day instead of looking at
everything that is ahead."
Monday, September 28, 2015
8 Fall Tips for Healthy Living
A nip is in the air, as summer eases into the fall season. Football season starts, and so does school. The holidays are right around the corner. So is the flu season. To help keep you healthy over the next few months, we've got these tips:
1. Take a Tailgate Time-out
It's an all-American past-time -- the tailgate party! Tailgating today has progressed far beyond burgers and chips. You'll find everything from cheese dip to spicy chicken wings.
Don't despair: Your tailgate spread doesn't have to sideline your weight loss plan. Grilled kabobs are great fare on the field. Just skewer veggies, fruits, and lean meat, and soak in your favorite marinade. Seafood, salsas, wraps, and stews are good eating, too. A Crock-Pot of chili -- loaded with high-fiber, high-protein beans -- is a classic tailgate dish (don't forget the Beano).
Just remember, alcohol is packed with calories. Enjoy your favorite brew, but switch it out for zero-calorie beverages as the party rolls along. It's all in how you play the game!
2. Sleep Tips to Help Kids' Weight
Does your child get enough sleep? If not, it could affect more than sleepiness at school. Studies suggest there may be a link between skimping on sleep and being overweight.Sleep shortfalls may increase hunger hormones -- so kids eat more. Also, kids are less likely to get exercise (and burn off calories) when they're tired.
Heavy studying, text messaging, or video games should end in early evening.
How much sleep do schoolkids need? It depends on the child. But here are some general guidelines from the National Sleep Foundation:
Ages 3-5: 11-13 hours
Ages 5-12: 10-11 hours
Ages 11-17: 9.5-9.25 hours
3. Quit Smoking: You Won't Gain Weight
If you've finally decided to kick the habit, there's good news: Quitting smoking won't make you gain weight over the long term. Some people pick up 4 or 5 pounds early on, but that's only temporary
4. Holiday Game Plan: No Weight Gain
The challenges of holiday feasting are only too obvious -- wonderful smells and fabulous tastes. We do love our comfort food! But the traditional holiday weight gain is another matter. If it's a real problem for you, here's good news. With a few simple changes, you can enjoy the feast without gaining the extra 1 to 3 pounds that tend to become permanent baggage.
Here's your plan:
Don't arrive starving. Eat something small and healthy, like oatmeal or a whole-grain sandwich, before the big meal. That will keep you full until dinner.
Exercise every day. This means big holidays, too. Get the family out with you. Start a new holiday tradition that involves activity.
Establish ground rules with yourself. Eat dessert, but only a sliver, for example.
Keep track. Write down everything you eat. If you put it in writing, you're less tempted to overeat.
Eat smaller portions of high-calorie dishes. Enjoy, but don't pig out.
Save calories for the foods you love. Don't eat something just because it's there.
Chat more, eat less. Shun those high-fat appetizers at holiday parties.
If you know you'll have trouble resisting those favorite foods, plan for it. Cut back on eating early in the week. Get more exercise before and after the holidays. You can do this!
5. Sweet Potatoes: Winter Superfood
It's one of the sweetest ways to make a healthful change -- get hot about sweet potatoes. These luscious orange tubers boast a wealth of antioxidants; phytochemicals including beta-carotene; vitamins C and E; folate; calcium; copper; iron; and potassium. The fiber in sweet potatoes promotes a healthy digestive tract, and the antioxidants may play a role in preventing heart disease and cancer.
The natural sweetness of a roasted sweet potato is delicious without any additional fats or flavor enhancers
6. Exercise Your Brain: Go Dancing
You know your heart benefits from exercise. Your brain does, too. Studies show that regular, moderate exercise -- 30 minutes of walking or a light one-mile run -- helps fight the effects of aging on the brain. No grueling workouts required!
All types of exercise count, including walking, bicycling, hiking, swimming, aerobics, andweight training. Ballroom dancing is another good one, especially fun on chilly evenings.
How does exercise work to prevent mental decline? Researchers believe exercise may stimulate the body to fight stress that's normally occurring in the brain -- stress that causes oxidative damage. All that good stuff from a little exercise!
Friday, September 25, 2015
Having on off day? Feeling stressed? Overwhelmed? Laugh it
off! Laughter is the best medicine! Seriously try it out! Right now put a
smile on your face and let out a huge laugh! Do it again! And again!
6 Things to Stop Now if You Want a Successful Relationship
1. Quit thinking it WON’T last.
Going into a
relationship thinking it’s doomed means only one thing – it is. Every
time things aren’t perfect you’ll feel validated. “See? I knew it. We
didn’t have a chance.” If you honestly believe relationships will never
stand the test of time then the reality is you will sabotage each one to
ensure that you are right. You will test each partner to see how much
of your bad behavior they can tolerate before finally leaving you as you
yell, “I knew you’d never stay” to a slamming door. If this is
you–don’t date until you’ve figured this out. 2. Quit playing games.
You’re mad. Or sad. Or
hurt. Your partner asks, “What’s wrong?” And you say, “nothing.” Or yell
about something else entirely later that evening. Stupid, childish,
relationship-killing games. Eventually people keep score. Get even.
Withdraw affection. Stop trying to even find an answer. Instead? Talk to
each other! Explain. Listen. Find a solution. Take hurt and anger out
of the equation because they are two of the most manipulative, reactive,
and dangerous emotions to use while trying to communicate respectfully. 3. Quit thinking love is enough. In the long run,
couples who make it through the good and bad still caring for each other
have more going for them than just love. They truly LIKE their partner
too. Liking can get you through a lot. Love is about attraction.
Commitment. Attachment. But liking is about the joy. Respect. Fun. And
contentment. If you can look at your partner and say you genuinely LIKE
them. Want to be with them. Can talk to them. Can be FRIENDS with them –
then you’ve got something to hold on to. 4.Quit being jealous.
If they truly can’t be trusted
– then why would you date them in the first place? And if they are
trustworthy but you have a problem because of past betrayals, then get
your own act together before you demolish someone else’s self-esteem
with your insecurities and baggage. The flip side? If you find yourself
in a relationship where the other person is jealous and you are doing
nothing to warrant it? Walk away fast. Jealousy is NOT a sign of love.
It’s possessive and demeaning. Long lasting relationships are anchored
in trust. 5.Quit settling for less than you want.
Relationships are based on equal balances of power. Meaning each brings
some strengths to the table that the other one doesn’t have. When you
accept someone who doesn’t meet (or even come close) to what you want –
you’re settling. And settling never made anyone happy long term.
Successful couples last because they both respect the value and worth of
the other. 6.Quit thinking you need someone else in order to be happy.
Go about your life. Stop waiting. Make friends. Be outstanding at work.
Travel. Get in shape. Eat healthy. Be happy. The kind of person you are
looking for doesn’t want an unhappy, miserable, lonely or desperate
partner. The more you take care of yourself and become self-fulfilled
the more people will want to be with you. Love you. Stay with you. It’s
time to QUIT some behaviors that create dysfunctional partnerships and
start attracting people who love you and want to be with you for all the
right reasons.
.)
.)